Double Life. Double Pressure.

I can't stop watching Junior sleep. it's comforting and scary to watch him sleep calmly again around me after what i did; the weight of my actions sits in the back of my throat like a pill I can’t quite swallow.

I’m an intern for a law firm here in town. I’m supposed to be the one who upholds the rules, who understands the "fine print" of morality. But two years ago, when I was drowning in the pressure of uni and the suffocating reality of being broke, I rewrote my own laws.

I met Junior in our university choir. For two years, he was just another voice in the big amphi, but around early 2023 , something shifted. I started to notice things. He was different from the boys I’d grown up with in Douala/Buea; he was a feminist, he was gentle, and he actually listened. When my mind starts going in circles, he was there to calm down. He’d stay on the phone with me until 3:00 AM while I studied, helping me format agrements and deeds i typed for my then boss till the next morning. He was my peace.

But peace doesn't pay the bills.

My ex before him had been a lesson; quick moneymaker, quick spender, well it was obvious, since his job was 'hustle online'. I had promised myself I’d never be that woman again, the one to be with someone into fraud. Junior knew this.

The problem was, I was the only one moving.

Watching Junior lose himself was exhausting. He’d miss job interviews because he "overslept." He’d take the little money we had and dump with a 'friend that always said bring small money and more people', only to watch it vanish. I was working a remote gig teaching english for asians kids and trying to finish uni, and he was... floating.

Then I met Ewane.

Ewane didn’t have Junior’s heart, but he had a bank account that didn't scream "emergency." It started as tutoring; I’d help him with his assignments in exchange for some "support."; he didn't had time as he was working for remote company already based in Kenya. But then the support became shawarma outtings for me and my roommate. Then it became "just because you be fine girl" transfers. Then it became the first vacation in Limbe in a proper hotel.

I got carried away and then we hit bums. The sex wasn't because I loved him; it was the price of admission for a life where I didn't have to choose between a textbook and a meal. I was living a double life: Junior gave me the emotional support I needed to survive the day, and Ewane gave me the money I needed to survive the month.

When school ended, I tried to delete do the right thing for myself. I broke it off with Ewane, thinking I could just walk back into my "pure" life with Junior. I was wrong.

Junior and I had an argument; something small about his work habits and in a moment of suspicion, he went through my phone. He saw the texts. He saw the history of a woman he didn't recognize.

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole (yeah i know i'm seflish i thought about myself first not how he felt). Seeing a man as gentle as Junior struggle to hold back tears while asking "Why?" is a haunting I wouldn't wish on anyone. I didn't beg for him to stay; I just begged for him to understand the desperation that drove me there.

He stayed oh. To my surprise, he chose to work through it.

Things are different now. He doesnt' spend as much time with me anymore but Junior has finally found his ginger He’s taking his web development seriously, he sells laptops too on the side. he finally got his own place though it's in the other part of town.

I’m still here, too. I love him, but there’s a shadow in the room. Every time he’s quiet for too long, I wonder if he’s planning his exit; if he’s just waiting until he’s fully successful to leave me as a form of "revenge."

Scrolling through x and tiktok; hearing those 'men never forget' videos and write ups scare me.

ma just see as e go end.